BIRTHING INTO MOTHERS
STORIES OF BIRTH/POSTPARTUM
With each unique individual woman on this planet, there is a unique birth experience. We want to share every kind of experience, not just the bliss and joy of becoming a mother. We want to show the beautiful journey through the pain, past the ring of fire and beyond societies expectation regarding birth. We want you to decide the best way for you to experience this bridge of strength between worlds. Allowing yourself to be guided by your intuition and claim what is best for your path. Whether that be birthing at home, in the hospital, vaginally or by cesarean...you get to make the choice. Below you will find stories of birth from each angle of perception and real life experience. If you would like to share your experience, send us a message here.
TRIGGER WARNING: some experiences may be graphic, unsettling and shared in a very "real" context. In no way are we highlighting any experience based on individual opinion within the realm of birth. Let your inner knowing guide you to the right feelings, through your emotional/ intuitive body.
HOSPITAL BIRTH | POSITIVE EXPERIENCE
By Emily N.
I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby, when at 11:45 am on September 5th, 2017, my water broke. I was at work and had already made plans to leave at noon because my intuition was telling me my baby was on his way. When my water broke I felt so connected with my body and intuition. I was full of bubbling positive energy. I made it home safely where my husband was already grabbing our bags and getting the car ready. I was experiencing some light contractions as I changed into fresh clothes before hopping into the car. I was full of adrenaline and excitement! Upon arriving at the hospital around 1:00 pm, a nurse checked my cervix. I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced, the same I had been a week earlier at a routine appointment. I didn’t let this discourage me at all. I knew my body was opening. My contractions were coming every 2 minutes and I wasn’t feeling any pain or fear. I relaxed in bed for a while, laughing with my husband. Eventually I got on the Yoga ball and listened to music, really focusing on the intention of opening my cervix so my baby could make the journey into my arms.
The hours went by fast, and although I had consistent and long contractions I wasn’t experiencing any true pain. I felt in control the whole time. My nurse continued to check on me and was monitoring the baby’s heart rate with an external heart rate monitor. There was a small chunk of time where I was left to labor on my own. I imagined all the other women around the world who were in labor at the same moment. I can do this. I will birth my baby with ease. Around 5:45 pm, 5 cm dilated, I decided that my back was a little sore and a bath would be nice. My husband put some lavender oil on a wash cloth for me to breathe in and relax with. 15 minutes later I went into the transition phase. I became very hot, annoyed and nauseated. Doubt crept in but both my husband and nurse remained positive and got me safely to bed. It was around 6:30 pm now, and the surges were stronger, different now. My husband was fanning me off while my nurse called in the doctor. They were busy studying my baby’s dipping heart rate while I focused on my breath as the surges grew intense with each wave. As a team, my husband, doctor and nurse had me switch positions occasionally. They said every time I experienced a contraction, baby’s heart rate was dipping a little lower than they would like to see. The position changes helped a little bit but they had me put an oxygen mask on to make sure I was getting plenty of oxygen for the baby. It’s around 7:30 pm now. I’m having an almost out of body experience.
My team was talking back and forth as I quietly focused inward. A wave comes on. Inhale. My body begins to tighten. Exhale. Inhale. The wave is getting higher. Exhale. I inhale, focusing all my energy down my body into my cervix and vagina as the wave peaks. Exhale as the wave quiets down again. I continue this as they perform things like amnio-infusion and internal heart rate monitoring to help my baby’s heart rate even out. My husband says the doctor and nurse with concerned looks never left my side but my eyes were closed as I labored in complete confidence. My yoga practice, my sisters from full moon circles, Mother Nature prepared me for this. My baby is okay and I can do this. I didn’t talk, cry or grow concerned when they mentioned a possible c-section. I knew they were wrong and focusing all of my energy inward is what kept me going. I was on my hands and knees around 8:20 pm when I felt relief at the end of a surge. This relief I was experiencing was the urge to push. I was 10 cm dilated and ready to birth my baby earth side. Pushing my baby out felt amazing. It was a complete difference from the contractions I was experiencing.
All the laboring I had been through was for this moment and my adrenaline was pumping. I couldn’t believe I was experiencing a pain-free birth. I used all of my core muscles to push as hard as I could until my baby was born. My husband announced it was a boy as they laid him on my chest. My baby was here and he was perfect. Although there were times where I could have let doubt and fear control me, I stayed calm and trusted the process. My natural hospital birth was a beautiful, positive experience for me. My body healed very quickly, and my baby is thriving. I would do this over a thousand times if I could!
HOME BIRTH | POSITIVE EXPERIENCE
By Andrea (Kit) W.
December 11, 2016: the estimated delivery date according to the ultrasound nurse around my 11th week of pregnancy. Here is where our society says I should be overwhelmed by absolute joy, extreme fulfillment and unconditional love for this lima bean inside of me. I was not. I was overwhelmed by sadness, extreme panic and disappointment in myself and husband for letting this happen before we were "ready’" This made me feel guilty for not having "normal" happy emotions. You see, my husband and I were planning on moving to Colorado and chase dreams of making/selling our artwork, living minimalist and spending our days surrounded by the beautiful mountains. This vision seemed to be quickly fading before my eyes and I saw the teeny heartbeat fluttering on the screen. Raising a child nomadically and without a savings account are also frowned upon in our society. Could we really move away from all of the security and predictability of friends, family and the comforts of home with a newborn in tow? Well, we quit our jobs, hired a Uhaul and decided we would figure it out.
Whether it was was because of a past full of bad experiences doctors, distrust of the money machine that is the medical and pharmaceutical industry or the fear that I would be vulnerable to an uncomfortable and tense environment, I never considered giving birth in a hospital. In fact, I never saw medical doctor before or after I gave birth. The only midwife and my first friend in our community was such a huge relief for me. Calm, understanding and knowledgeable, I knew that whatever my fears where about having a child, this women could at least help me get through the birth. A few months later I had a second ultrasound after a day of hiking. We were told again the due date would be December 11.
I chose to not read any books or take any birthing classes. As a true Virgo, I knew I would over think every step. I also knew that my body knew what to do. I needed to stay focused on the present, not over analyze a multitude of scenarios that probably wouldn’t happen. This child would be born at home without complications. These were the things I was sure of.
My soul sister Brittany came to our home for her birthday weekend, manifesting the baby to arrive earth side on her birthday December 10. On this day we were invited to a sweat lodge. I sat outside of the womb like lodge feeling the drumming, meditating on the pink and orange sunset on the Rocky Mountains, and feeling peaceful but sad that this baby would likely not to come while Brittany was here.
That night I went to sleep with some light cramping that continued in the morning. That afternoon I called my midwife. She came over to check on me and said she’d come over later if I felt I needed her (she lives 5 blocks away). I remember vacuuming at some point, laying out crystals and Brittany saging. My lower back was aching, I needed Josh to massage my tailbone every several minutes, every couple of minutes, then every minute. A couple hours later, I knew I that that I needed Marlene. In the bathtub with a marijuana infused herbal bath bag between my legs, Marlene told me it was time to get out (I had chosen not to have a water birth). At this point, I was actually not aware of how close I was to giving birth or really that I was in labor at all. I felt out of my body besides the extreme pain at my tailbone.
I only wanted to lay on my side. It could have been minutes or hours. I remember our dog pacing and panting. Suggestions were made to lay on my back, use the birthing stool, or hands and knees. These were more excruciating than imaginable. I would stay on my side. It felt like a dream when I was told it was almost over, that they could see the head. Whether I was stunned that it was actually happening, in denial of pending motherhood or the pain keeping me distracted, I was in no hurry to push this child out. Marlene told me that I would have to change positions again if things didn’t progress. I was not going to let this happen so, staring at Brittany in panic, knowing my whole world was about to change, she said “you got this”, and I pushed.
After a few pushes on December 11, 2016 at 11:46pm River Jack entered the world. No cries or screams came from either of us. My midwife laid him on my stomach, the umbilical cord was too short for him to be on my chest. Once I had pushed out the placenta and Josh was holding him bare chested, I started becoming aware of reality. My midwife and her assistant said that it was a dream birth and one of the easiest that they had been apart of. It had been six hours of actual labor. To me it felt like days of my tailbone being ripped apart. Then I was put in my bed, Marlene had sewn me up, gave me my healthy baby and she said she’d be back the next day. That was it. No drama, no coercion, no judgement. It was a safe space filled with support, love and confidence in what I and my body was made to do.
The absolute joy, extreme fulfillment and unconditional love still did not arrive magically after he did. I had too many other emotions and worries, like how to get a newborn to breastfeed and gain weight, extreme pain and care it took as my vagina bled and healed and the inner work it took to not lose my mind because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Postpartum Depression and anxiety were present, but life was lived hour by hour and we made it through. I did not have family around for constant help. This was was a blessing and a curse. Josh, River and I had to figure out how to do it all and we did and still do. We are living an amazing life in the mountains, traveling often, creating and living simply. In perfect timing and synchronicity, this child was always meant to be apart of our journey. My son and my resistance to motherhood have been my teachers as I open myself to the vulnerability, infinite love and fun that this life has for me, if I allow it. And so it is.
HOME BIRTH | POSITIVE EXPERIENCE
By Sasha E.
I am a woman. I am a mother.
My first pregnancy, I did not listen to my inner voice. I followed footsteps of my friends and people who surrounded me at the time. I went to the male doctor who told me I was fat, and laughed at me when I asked him about herbal tea. My biggest nightmare C-Section came true. I was induced at 40.5 weeks. I was scared. The result was beautiful baby boy. He came as an angel with a big smile. Ever since, that smile does not seem to leave his face.
My second pregnancy.
At this point my first child is a year and a half old. We decided to get pregnant, and so I did. On Facebook I saw a friend who had her babies at home. Wow, was this really possible in Oklahoma? I called her and asked everything I could about her delivery. I wanted to trust my body this time. I called a few midwives and scheduled appointments with them. The excitement of pregnancy did not last too long.
I started bleeding and so I called my male doctor. They refused to see me so I called a midwife. She had never seen me before, so she recommended that I rest. That night I was in the emergency room. Where another male doctor with a vaginal ultrasound probe pronounced a miscarriage. Looking back at this scenario, my body did not recover fully from surgery. We asked this soul to come to this world too soon. She recognized it and decided to stay where she was. Later she came in my grandmother’s dream and sung her a beautiful song.
My third pregnancy.
Intense, emotional, sensual are the best words to describe it. One morning I was in the backyard doing yoga and meditating. I asked the moon to plant a seed of new inside, I was ready to change. The next full moon seed was planted, I found out I was pregnant. A phone call to the midwife was a first thing I did. We met late in the evening. We talked about everything under the sun like good friends. I fell in love with her.
She taught me how to take care of my body from my diet and exercise, to how to express my emotions. First trimester, I was in a dark place. I was scared of losing this pregnancy. Crying was regular state of being. With support from my family, midwife, vitamins and supplements it was all over! The third trimester brought a new fear with high blood pressure and going to the hospital. I attended every woman gathering to get this fear released and free. At 41 plus weeks, the day came.
It is 3:00 am, my whole house is asleep. I feel some contractions, they are about 7-10 minutes apart. Every contraction is filled with joy in my heart because I know that it brings me closer to my baby, closer to the moment I will hold him in my hands. I try to fall asleep but no luck. 4:00 am, I decide to get out of bed and prepare breakfast for my family. By 10 am I had completed my whole day check list. Including dentist appointment and acupuncture appointment. Acupuncture was the most intense. On the way home, I was grateful for red lights! Every red light included a contraction.When I got home I had this feeling of peace inside. I finished the last few items on my check list.
4:00 pm, my doula and husband are now by my side and it was the last time I checked the clock. I tried to take a nap, but no luck. Feeling of the deep relaxation and every muscle in my body is relaxed. The outside bath is being filled. Flowers, candles, music, snacks was the exact kind of labor I was dreaming of. I was in and out of reality. In and out of the water. Birth ball, bath, sitting on a toilet was encouraged by my midwife. My little son came and held me in his arms. The back porch was a happening place that evening.
Bath, ball over and over again. Still relaxed but contractions were getting more intense. I now had to put everything aside and just be. Being and breathing never were so important in my life, as then. Finally, my midwife made a suggestion, “let’s go inside and take a nap”, which sounded great. I was getting tired. No nap happened inside, needless to say. My husband held my hand really tight. Asking me to breath deep. It was hard to just breath. If before I had some breaks in between contractions it seemed like now there were no breaks at all.
Powerful feelings were everywhere. Some oxygen helped me to refocus on the situation and here it was his little head came to be. My partner let go of my hand to meet our baby boy. Last final push and he was on my belly. Deep breath out. Breath brought this new messy, warm, bundle of joy. He is on my chest. He is breastfeeding. I could close my eyes. I had everything I ever wanted right there with me. Love overwhelmed my soul and our home.
These experiences help to define who I am today. I am a confident woman who is not afraid to do what I feel needs to be done. Regardless of someone else's opinion about my life. I learned to listen to my body. This body is my highest intuition, it knows everything I need in this life. All I have to do is listen carefully.
AFTER BIRTH | POSTPARTUM JOURNEY
Descending into wholeness: my postpartum journey
It was a Sunday afternoon right after the Aquarius full moon. I was alone with the baby while my husband was out in the shop. My son had been extra fussy and super clingy that day. I had tried everything. I took him for a walk, fed him, changed him, carried him around the house, played with him, sang to him. I did all the things. And yet, none of them stopped him from crying.
And then I experienced my lowest point as a mother. I put my son in his crib and closed the door while he cried and screamed at the top of his lungs. I started crying myself. The tears came down harder and harder until it became a full body release. I completely broke down. I sat in my closet floor begging for someone to come and take my baby from me. I screamed as loud as I could. Like a wild woman, primordial scream. It was coming from the depths of my soul. I didn’t want to be a mama anymore. I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t cut out for this. The tears came streaming like a flood and my heart felt like it was being ripped out of me. I felt completely broken.
After about 15 mins of this, I was able to pull myself together. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. I wiped the tears, blew my nose and stared at myself for what felt like hours. I saw so much pain in my eyes. Pain I’ve carried around for many years. Pain of not ever feeling like I am enough. Of not feeling worthy. Pain of abandonment. From myself and others. This pain had been buried deep for so many years. And in one moment, it all came to the surface.
I started speaking positive affirmations to myself. “I am love. I am loved. I am a wonderful mama. I am peace.” I just kept repeating these over and over until I started feeling my shoulders relax a little more. I felt my chest get lighter and lighter. And a wave of peace and calm rushed over me.
That was the moment that everything changed.
My husband and I hadn’t planned on getting pregnant. We knew what it takes to make a baby and we definitely weren’t preventing, but since I had been off birth control for a year and a half, we didn’t think we were even able to have a baby. Six months prior to that I had an intuitive reading and was told a baby was coming and that I needed to make space in my heart for it. I obviously, ignored the message.
The news of the pregnancy came at a really hard time in my life. My dad was going through treatment for a stroke, my husband had just got in a pretty bad cycling accident and we were in the middle of selling his business. It was an emotionally difficult time for us both.
Prior to having my baby I was an extremely independent person. Always doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I never felt tied down and very much valued all the freedom I had. Being pregnant I felt as though I was preparing myself for what was to come but I really had no idea what was in store for me.
Once our son arrived, all that freedom I had once had, felt like it was stripped away from me in an instant. I was physically and emotionally attached to this tiny little human who relied on me for his survival. I was breastfeeding and recovering from a cesarean and everything felt like a whirlwind in those first few months. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing (which is the case for almost all first time mothers). I lost my freedom but also a big sense of who I was. I was completely ungrounded and emotionally falling apart. I spent a lot of those days not in my body. Especially since it felt foreign and like it didn’t belong to me.
I was angry and snapped at my husband for everything. I cried at the drop of the hat. I was on a roller coaster of emotions that would change in an instant. I was trying to control every piece of my sons life because if I was going to be a mom, I was going to be the best mom that I could be. Every hurdle we had to go over would send me in a tailspin. I felt anxious and on edge all the time.
The day he was born I was initiated into a radical transformation. Leaving behind the Maiden and ushering into the Mother in a split second. And I fought it. It was a very rough journey for me because I was not willing to be open and accept my new role. My heart was still deeply connected to the Maiden that I once was and was terrified of leaving that behind. I didn’t know how to balance out the feelings of loving that little boy with my whole heart and being resentful of the freedom he stripped away from me. I was changing drastically and every single day I saw new parts of me emerge. I wasn’t prepared for how long it would take me to settle in to my new role. But once I stopped fighting it and let myself surrender to all that was occurring within me, everything changed.
After that day in my closet, I realized that in order to be the mom my son needed, I had to let go. To really surrender to it all. And not just saying the words but actually doing it. Letting go of beliefs of not being good enough, releasing control of what may or may not come up with my son and giving myself permission to just be. Accepting all the parts of me and trusting that the universe always provides. I started breathing more. And truly listening to my breath. And my body. Stopping throughout the day for sacred pauses to check in with what my body and soul needed in that moment. I started to understand more and more that I have to take care of myself first before I am able to truly take care of him. He wants me to be happy and full of joy so that I can be truly present with him. You’ve heard it before: you have to put on your own oxygen mask first. As a mom, that is one of the hardest things we can do. The guilt can easily overtake you. But it absolutely necessary.
Any major transition in our life is difficult. And from my experience becoming a mama can top the list. Some woman step gracefully into their new role and their transition is easy and beautiful. Other woman have a much more difficult time and their journey is just as beautiful. Because regardless what it looks like, it’s the path we were meant to take. I was meant to learn these lessons. No matter what it looks and feels like, we can always be grateful for these experiences. They open our eyes and allow us to beautifully peel back our layers so that we can step more fully into our truth.
And today I know my truth is that I am doing the best I can. And I’m a damn good mama.
I completely forgive myself for my resistance and I open up to shine in my new role.
I thank the Maiden for everything she taught me and after mourning her loss, I am embracing the Mother. This is a part of me now. And I can only forward with an open heart and my feet firmly planted on the ground.
Because in the end, I am lucky enough that he chose me to be his mama. He is my teacher and constantly challenges me to keep showing up. Not only for him, but for myself as well.
A side note: I am fortunate enough to have an incredibly supportive husband who has endless patience and unconditional love for me. He helped assist me in my transition and never turned his back. I have also been blessed with an amazing support system of women who I’ve turned to for love and guidance time and time again. I am grateful for their presence in my life and with their help, I have been able to spread my wings.
You are never alone. Although you may feel like it at times, I promise you that you are not. Reach out. It’s hard as hell but you’ll be surprised at just how much support you will find. I am always here for you.
The energy within the Feminine flows downwards. Our Pelvic floor, life force obtaining area of the Sacral and Root Chakras contain our centers for sensuality, creative self expression and for birthing life into this world. (physically and metaphorically)
When energetic healing and awareness is created within the womb, we connect back into the body. The shame we have acquired since childhood towards our uniquely individual bodies and heavy emotions, has become stored in the "pelvic bowl". Physiologically there can also be an accumulation of scar tissue and weigh gain in the stomach and hip areas of our body.
Womb Healing frees the energy that has been blocked. It helps release emotions, awaken sensations and guides you back into your body. If you are interested in Womb Healing within the Oklahoma City area, you can email Britt Johnson at firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule a session.