Wellness Addiction :: Am I Healed Enough Yet? *FULL MOON in Pisces 8/26*
Have you ever felt unqualified, unworthy, or just plain unable to begin something because of your current state of being? Do you have a voice that tells you not to join a group or start a hobby or share your gifts because you're not "ready"? Not strong enough yet, not spiritual enough yet, not healthy enough yet?
My soul longs to do something, go somewhere, say something, BE something in particular, and the longing plays on my heartstrings an epic, building, hopeful song that sees light at the top of the mountain and feels its warm glow glistening on top of my skin, ripples sparkling in anticipation. Resistance, acting like a cautious, caring friend, puts its hand on my shoulder and says, "You know what, you CAN do that. You just need to get these other key things in line before starting. You wouldn't want to soil up this beautiful goal with these pesky aspects of you over here, right? Get those things fixed and then you will be ready to start on your goals and nail them straight off, smooth operator." I listen, and agree, secretly relieved at the reason not to follow through quite yet. Later, later I will take the steps that call to me. Right now I'm busy.
One thing leads to another, as it always does. When you look for the things that are wrong with you, you will find them. And you will keep finding them. Hang on, I can't move with my soul yet, my ego still has some things to take care of back here. No relaxing yet, if you ever want to live the way you dream you need to get your shit fixed. Time is short, chop chop. This voice sounds enlightened, because isn't enlightenment difficult? Isn't aligning with your soul supposed to be a constant effort?
Of course. And so it goes...
"I need to do more yoga."
"I need to get that vitamin/supplement."
"I need to meditate more."
"I need to be more aware of my breath."
"I need to be more giving."
"I need to be less anxious."
"I need to be more present."
"Once I get my meditation ritual on point I will be able to start writing."
"Once I have a daily yoga practice I can start that new dance class."
"Once I feel skilled in being present I can hang out with those wonderful people."
"Once I buy all organic foods I can be healthy and feel good in my body."
Money, money, money...minutes, hours, days...spent on a new solution every month. "This stuff will put me in position to enjoy my life!"..."Okay, now, this stuff will DEFINITELY make me better."..."Ah, finally I can be okay now that I have THIS under control!"
Exhausting, isn't it?
I have been on this path for a long time, but lately I'm dragging my feet, ready to just hop off the fucking train (the Resistance Express) because it just plain doesn't feel good to never feel good. And on top of all the reasons I tell myself I can't afford to feel good yet, there is an army of people on all sides chanting how *not okay* it is to just feel good. They have lots of convincing arguments - political, religious, social, etc. "There are still parts of you that are not okay." "You cannot express yourself freely here." It's almost as if we are perpetuating a culture of imprisonment at the same time we cry out for freedom from oppression. We are perpetuating the Prison of Self-Improvement, and the bars that hold us in are made of the latest way we need to "fix" ourselves before we can let go and live the way we feel in our big-sky dreams...
Isn't the big-sky / real-earth version of ourselves the one the world is actually crying out for? Isn't that person the one that you are waiting for? Isn't it true that the hero you dream of (being) lives from the heart? You know, that place you have access to, 24/7?
What is the perfect, ready, WHOLE version of you? What if you could describe her without using the things she does or has done or possesses? What if you could describe him using qualities that emanate from the inside outward into his life interactions, rather than behaviors imposed upon himself by his expectations of how his life interactions need to look?
In case you needed some perspective...
There are exquisitely skilled musicians who don't have a daily yoga practice.
There are expert coders who don't meditate at all.
There are impeccable writers who eat less-than-ideal diets.
There are experienced game designers who don't work out.
There are master chefs who don't know what a chakra is.
Endings are always beginnings, and beginnings require the end of what was before. Committing to ending an addiction is committing to the beginning of what lies beyond...what lies in the space where you can do what moves your soul, instead of what quells your fears. Accepting where you are at this exact point in your life - THIS EXACT POINT - before you change another damned thing, is the silent killer of wellness addiction. Can it be true that such an act of acceptance, while terrifying, can actually be the start of true healing?
Fuel the revolution. Step into your dream. Welcome your whole self home.
~ Eden Marie Peach
IG: @eden.earthytoes.137 & @earthytoes137.arts